Bye bye Panda

My rule for my every-day car is that it has to be fast, good-looking and able to handle anything I can throw at it, from the high-speed twisty school run through the hedgerows of Essex, to battling with stop-and-go London traffic, to long-haul road trips across Europe.  I have loved my 360 hp, straight-six BMW B3 Alpina Biturbo, a.k.a. “Panda”, for the last 22 months, and she has hardly put a foot wrong.  Until our family ski trip to France this month.  Three things came up, which cumulatively added up to my saying good-bye, with a little tear in my eye, to my beloved Alpina.

First, the car was packed to the gunnels with at least 500 kg of luggage, sports gear, groceries, two adults and one small child, as well as a large Thule roof-box for the snowboards.  I tried to reduce the drag a little bit by fitting electrical tape to the roof bars to cover the gaps and lower the rumble noise, but there ain’t nothing to be done about the fact that here you have a thoroughbred trussed up in a harness like a cart horse.  Like any thoroughbred, she stepped out willing and lively, and we cruised at 160kph down the French motorways, leaving all the nasty Renault Clio’s and Peugeot 206’s in our wake.  That is, until ‘reduced engine power’ came up on the dash and the engine light came on, reducing power by 50%.  Suddenly we were down to 120kph and all those Frenchies were zooming by with two fingers stuck out the window.  Ouch!  But I could forgive this – after all, the car was not meant to handle high speeds for hours while carrying a heavy load and a high-profile apparatus creating huge drag.  We limped into the Aire de Bourgogne, had a coffee and let her cool down and catch her breath, then she was right as rain and we slowed down a bit for the rest of the journey.  This happened on both the outbound and return.  This I could forgive.

Second, everyone knows high-powered, rear-wheel drive cars in general, and BMWs in particular, are crap in snow.  BMWs are fair-weather friends.  So, anticipating this, in November I bought Michelin Alpine mud and snow tyres specifically fitted for the Alpina.  Additionally (since as an engineer I always look for problems and try to solve them before they happen), I bought “snow socks”, specifically fitted for those Michelin Alpine mud and snow tyres, in the unlikely event we ran into heavy snow.  The Alpina’s low ride height  means you can’t fit chains or they’ll rip out the wheel arch, so skinny snow socks that slip over the tyre seemed like a good solution.   I didn’t field-test the equipment on this car, however, trusting that they would fit the Michelins as they claimed on the packet.  Hah!

The first 1000 km went by without a hitch, except for the temporary power reduction from the overheated coil.  However, the hard yard came just 7km outside Montgenevre, when we hit a blizzard that turned the hairpin turns into a patinoire that Torville and Dean would have loved.  We were doing fine until the guy in front of us stopped to put on chains, and I was forced to stop behind him.  And I could not get going again.  Those winter tyres spun like a top as I could not get enough speed (5mph) to turn off the traction control.  The car was gently power sliding as the TCS argued with me (eventually gave up and let me drive.  After five minutes of this, making about 100 metres of headway thanks to some lovely Italian guys that gave me a push, I gave up and parked on the side of the road to put on the snow socks.  In a blizzard.  Facing uphill. 

Can I just say at this point that snow socks are really, really hard to put on.  In fact, in this case, they were impossible to put on.  And we tried.  For quite a while.  The Alpina’s low ride height meant that we could not get the top half elastic bit behind the wheel, much less then roll the car forward and then slip on the bottom half.  We tried to raise the car a little bit – we unloaded the luggage, we tried to physically lift the car up to get a centimetre of play – no go.  We even viewed the instruction video on YouTube - gosh, VW Polos are easy to fit, thanks.   All this time, of course, whilst we are kneeling in the snow, getting soaked in a driving blizzard, the Renault Clio’s and Peugeot 206’s are cruising merrily up the hill with two fingers stuck out the window.  My six year-old son was getting antsy, and we had to let him out for a pee break on the side of the road.   After about an hour of this, when we were considering abandoning the car, the weather finally broke and the temperature went above freezing, the tracks were down to the tarmac so we decided to risk it for a biscuit and try to drive up.  My skills at extreme driving came in very handy at this point, as I felt the car drifting on all four wheels sideways around the hairpin turns and managed to prevent myself from obeying any impulse to either brake or accelerate – the margin was about nil for going into a spin….  But we made it, safe and sound, without a scratch.  Whew! 

Even that I could forgive the Alpina, kind of.  Those are the kind of conditions that would challenge most supercars, and we were not the only ones struggling.

But the last straw was more basic.  We are a growing family.  With my son having put on 5cm in height this year and my new partner riding shotgun, the Alpina is just too small for us now.  When we got back to England on Saturday after 14 hours of driving, my poor car looked like a Turner Prize winner called Tracy Emin’s Back Seat.  Three ski jackets, six fuzzy toys, Eurotunnel Flexi tags, handbags, snot rags, trash, food, blood (don’t ask) and hot chocolate spilled over the Recaro leather seats, and a six-year-old boy strapped into a child seat, his little sleeping face barely visible among the detritus.  The valeting service at the Maldon Tesco earned their £16.99 on Sunday, that’s for dang sure.

So what is a girl who has to juggle the needs of the school run, family holidays and a love of powerful cars to do?  I need a four door car with a big boot, four wheel drive and at least 400 horses.  And I am very picky about my cars, as my regular readers know.  I cannot, just cannot, drive a Porsche Cayenne, that favorite of gangsters’ wives.  Every time I see one I think of Edie Soprano saying “Tony bought me a Cayenne.  Like the peppah.”  No. No. No.   I adore the Maserati Quattroporte, but the boot is small, I can't fit a roof box, fuel consumption is ‘interesting’ and I already have a hobby car.   The Jaguar XFR is a possibility - there are tons of good ones out there but no indy in Essex so servicing is going to be expensive. 

For everyday global domination, you can’t beat the Germans…

9 Months with the Ferrari 360

Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been over 6 months since my last confession..but I've had great fun ;-)

I have run a Ferrari 360 Modena for the better part of 9 months so I thought I would share my experiences a little more...

On exhausts. I have had some fun and games with the damn exhaust. The car game with the flap valves jammed open. The upside was that it sounded pretty good at idle, the downside was that it wasn't what I wanted. Also the MIL kept on coming on (little did I know that the exhaust and the MIL are connected).

So I found a Novitech exhaust in Holland and promptly bought it. I sort of liked it when I was on the open road, giving the car some stick but on the motorway at 70 ish and around town, the booming made my little son's ears bleed (and mine too). In the interests of not deafening my son or the rabbits who live in the fields near my house, I got the exhaust changed.

I was fortunate to find a F430 exhaust which had be nicely modified to fit a 360. Now this is quite special. It's pain in the bum to do but with patience and a TIG welder, one can almost exactly reproduce a 360 Challenge Straddle exhaust and in the process create the most wonderful symphony of Il Cavallino music. Also the flap valves work so the car is not too loud in traffic.

The MIL is a constant issue, it has been largely down to the old exhaust (s) not creating enough back pressure at idle and therefore creating (I suppose) too much turbulent flow around the rear lamb sensor (s). Changing to the CS system with the flap valves working has cured the MIL issue that related to the Lamba sensors (I hope).

But with Ferraris there is always 'more'. In my case, my car developed misfire. It was diagnosed as being a plug and coil issue. So we replaced the plugs and the problem cleared. I think I will have to replace a coil as well because if one of the plugs was drawing too much current, I am sure it will have seen off a coil too.

Other than that the car has been really good. It's delight to drive and is remarkably comfortable on a trip. It's a shockingly pretty beast it really  is  - I just wish that the gear box could do 'throttle blips' on the down shifts. I know this is a possible upgrade  -  just need to find out 'how'.

Together for ever in electric dreams

In the 1960s, my Dad was involved in the electric Mini project. It was in the end a bit of a failure. The electric drive and battery systems worked just fine but in the end the poor realization of the automotive engineering let it down but I’m sure things are very different now. A lot of time has past after all and billions have been spent…

I finally got behind the rather large and American friendly wheel of the Tesla model S the other weekend. My partner insisted that I stop rabbiting on about one and actually drive the darn thing. We were at the London Docklands motor show and I thought “why not, the economics sort of stack up so I should actually drive it”.

I have been trying to crystalize my thoughts on the Tesla S. It’s a confusing car. It’s sort of part techno curio, part American cruiser and part F22 Raptor fighter jet.

A star for the tech. It's deeply deeply impressive. All the systems seem to be upgradable over the air. Self park and self drive appear to be in Beta at the moment and once they are released, owners will get them as a Flash-over-the –air upgrade. For a telematics guru like me, this is manna from heaven.

And it goes well. I mean Porsche 991 Turbo S levels of acceleration. And lets remember that this was the 85D model, the P85 D model has about 30% more umph.  The website says 0-62 in 4.4s. I would say it’s every bit as fast as that.

And now for the downside. Steering feel. What steering feel? Even on the sportiest setting, it’s utterly anodyne think  2003 Mercedes C class and you’re close!

And then there’s the column shift. I hate hate hate having the gear shifter (such as it is on an EV) on the steering column. That’s a granny car thing to have. Why not have cool crystal buttons on the dash like the Aston DB 9 has?

Oh and for a car that is a rival to an Audi A8 – why is their no space in the back? I am 5’ 11’’ and there is no way an adult can comfortably sit behind me.

If you hate having to clear out side bins and storage lockers in the back seat then the good news is that there aren’t any. Nothing, nada nitto. Presumably such items need to be stored on the floor? Apparently Elon likes minimalism which means we get an impractical car.

All this vexes me. You see I really wanted to love the Tesla. These flaws cannot be written off. If it was a Ferrari 488 GTB rival or something to buy instead of an Aventador then I would forgive all sorts of design poops for a truly unique driving experience. Hyper cars are allowed to be awkward and silly. Executive saloons cannot.

The Model S has to go toe to toe with the Audi A8, Jaguar XJ, Mercedes S class and the BMW 7 series and it can’t really because they are all better cars. The Audi especially wins because it has a brand built on cleverness and efficiency. It’s cleverer and more efficient than the Tesla.

So in the end it’s the silly old automotive engineering that lets the Tesla Model S down. You see, the big OEMs have been making cars for a very long time. They have metrics and tests for every kind of vehicle behavior and characteristic. Sometimes they make a dull car but at this level they do not.

…And don’t get me started on how you actually charge the thing if you live in rural Essex!

So I won't have a Tesla in my driveway just yet. But we will still be together. Forever in electric dreams 

That's the noise that annoys the noisy oyster

The Ferrari 360 is bit of an enigma really. It looks awesome. People offer to do very naughty things in order to get a ride in it (none have had their offers accepted). It goes like shot off a shivel and I love the way it drives.

The problem is not with the way it drives. The problem is with way it sounds. As standard they are a bit....well…farty sounding really. Sounds more like a 1970s Ford Escort Mexico than a prancing horse. Not right. Definitely not right.

I resolved to deal with this lack of a decent exhaust tune and so did my research. I lurked on a load of fora ( forums ?) AND spoke to Furlonger Specialist Cars. Yep, everyone agreed. Novitec Rosso make the best 360 sports exhaust. No doubt. 100%. Count me in.

And lo, as luck would have it I found a new one for sale on the Bay of E. A price was agreed and the beastie was shipped directly to Furlonger and I was a happy girlie.

Except that this bliss did not last long. Oh no. When the car rolled out of the transporter (I love that) the noise was quite something. Shaky windows stuff. It made a lovely sound at idle. Quite antisocial in everyway.

So what’s the problem then, why so unhappy? Ah because I have a 5-year-old son whose little ears are too delicate for this almost straight through system. I tried it on 4 journeys and then decided to give up. I would have to go back to the old stock system. Pants

The thought of fitting the old rusty heavy exhaust system to a place of the gorgeous shiny gold Novitec was too much to bear.  So I called an expert to ask for help.

Tim Walker at Walkersport is such an expert. There is nothing he doesn’t know about Ferraris. He’s just that kind of guy. Anyway, long story short, he recommend getting a 430 exhaust and having it modded to fit a 360. We had a really nice techy/ geeky chat about why this option would work best.

So all I would have to do is to find a 430 exhaust in good nick and then get a fab shop to make the mods…Simples.

But things got even better. It so happened that a Ferrari track instructor had such a system  - suitably chopped – that he wanted to sell. So I bought it before you could say brmm brmm.

And now my car is lovely. At idle and anything below 3500 rpm, it sounds like a basey Ford Mexico. Nothing flash or sinister. And then as I press my foot down harder on the gas peddle, something strange happens. The happy little kitty that was gently purring behind me becomes a rabid tiger after a night on Stella. I love it. It’s purrrfect

I Hate Harold

I as going to post this ages ago but frankly I needed to cool off a bit first. I was vexed. Very vexed. Very Very vexed. Here is why.

A little while ago, I took the F360 to a well known car accessory store which we will call Harold’s. Harold’s has a branch located in an out of town retail estate in Chelmsford which is near where I live.

So I rocked up to Harold’s in the F360 and went up to the childseat counter. Got ignored for about 10 minutes and then an assistant did the usual reluctant ‘ do I really have to help you ‘ greeting and ‘buzzed’ for a ‘specialist’ to help me…

I told the very spotty very bored, very indifferent young specialist that I wanted to buy a booster seat for my 5 year old and that I wanted him to bring the booster out to my car to make sure that the thing fitted the Ferrari’s rather perfectly formed Daytona seats.

This is where Harold’s messed up big style. The conversation went like this.

Harold’s specialist: “what sort of car is it”?

Me: “it’s that grey Ferrari”

HS: “is it going in the front or the back” (we were pretty much next to the at this stage)

Me: “We’ll it’ll probably have to go in the front as these Ferrari’s don’t have back seats”

HS: “You shouldn’t have a child in the front and you have to get the air bags deactivated first. It’s illegal to have the airbags ‘on’ and a child in the front seat”

Me: “No, it’s not”

HS: “Yes, it is”

Me: “No, I really think it isn’t, I think it’s just advisory and besides the latest research says that older children are better off with the airbag operational provided they sit far enough back”

HS: “I’m the child seat specialist and I can tell you it’s illegal and I won’t sell you a child seat unless the airbag is turned off”

Me: “OK then, the airbags are deactivated”

I opened the car up  - HS looks visibly offended  - like I’d popped a poo in his lunch box. I placed the booster on the passenger seat and said to the ‘Specialist’ : “It doesn’t fit especially well does it? – I mean it’s OK but can I see if there is anything narrower because Ferraris always have narrow seats.”

HS: “They’re all pretty much the same size (not)”

Me: “Really? I’m not really super happy with the fit”

HS: “Well you shouldn’t have a Ferrari then should you”

I was a little taken a back this to say the least. The spotty grumpy little youth then grabbed the booster and took it to the desk while I locked the car and followed him in.  At the stage I would normally have told the nasty little spotter to stick the child seat up his arse, or even to place my heal on the back of his neck (with his face in the tarmac) and make him beg for forgiveness but I was in a hurry and had to pick my son up from school, hence the uncharacteristic acquiescence.

By the time I got to the cash desk I had composed myself and was able to relay the conversation to the more mature and sympathetic person at the desk. I suggested that the acne afflicted MCP, that didn’t help me fit the booster to my Ferrari, might do better in an alternative area of employment. Perhaps stacking shelves or flipping burgers or anything where he doesn’t have to speak to people.

It’s a shame really because I used to by lots of car care bits at Harold’s but no more. I’ve got a little list….and they are on it.

New Arrival

I did tell you that I had a new toy in mind didn't I ? well now is have to spill the beans and confess all.

After many years of resisting the urge I have finally bought a Ferrari. The 'why' is difficult to explain. I can try and justify that prices are going in only one direction on the 360 modena and that it's the first lower maintenance Ferrari and so on. Utter crap. I just really really wanted one.

I started looking in October and thought I would be a higher mileage 1999 or 2000 car...yeah and so did everyone else. Within a couple of weeks the market was bereft and all that was left was the expensive stuff. So I had to find some more money down the back of the sofa and take a deeper breath...

...and then I found it, a lovely 2003 car in dark grey with burgundy leather, at Simon Furlonger in Kent. Now I know that Rosso Corsa is the colour of choice for most fans but for me it's all too much. Ferraris are inherently flashy so they don't need a flashy colour too. I would have ideally liked Tour de France blue but there are so few UK cars in that colour.  Dark grey was second choice for me.

My experience with Simon Furlonger was really positive. The car is very straight, they serviced it and made sure it's mechanically A1. They did the dreaded cam belts and fitted a Stradale rear anti-roll bar and did the geo too. And when we found out that the tracker didn't work any more, they simply got it replaced. No fuss and no messing about.

So what's it like to drive ? amazing. Simple as that. It's like a cross between a luxurious lotus elise and a Saturn V rocket. I love it. We drove about 350 miles over the bank holiday weekend and the car was comfortable, plenty of storage space and even reasonably quiet. The only problem is the lack of a decent stereo and no Sat Nav.

Ooops, I lied, there is another problem. It likes a drink. I mean REALLY likes a drink. If you are making fast progress on B roads then you can watch those bars on the fuel gauge disappear before your very eyes. I don't know what it does with the stuff. Perhaps it uses the fuel to make the nice noise or perhaps to keep the cam covers extra red. I dunno. Small price to pay for such enjoyment (at the moment anyway).

Bye Bye Aston

In January this year it was time to say so-long to the Vantage. It was one of those things really. I loved it's looks and the way people looked at me when I drove it. I loved being IN it. I just didn't especially enjoy actually driving it.

I now feel like an AA member; "My name's Alex and I don't especially like driving Aston Martins". Now that's something different to 'share in group'.

I'm sure I have dashed my chances of being made a baroness and I don't expect to be ever invited to the Queen's summer garden party. I'm on 007s hit list and Jeremy Clarkson has stopped returning my calls. Oh dear. People say that I have no loyalty and that my feet smell and I hate the Queen. It's not true, any of it (ok the feet bit is semi true - my race boots are not nice to be near).

I had been thinking about blowing some money with Bamford Rose to make the car sharper and faster but in the end the fickle finger of fate just got in the way. An offer was made by a car dealer that I couldn't refuse and so that, as they say, was that.

I then looked at maybe buying a V12 Vantage or a ready tuned Vantage S but it seemed like an awful lot more money for not much more car. Perhaps I did that exercise just to make me feel less like a flag burning traitor.

But true to form I will be replacing the Aston with an even more exotic mode of vehicular transport. This time from the land of Chianti, pasta, and high fashion. And so dear reader, like me, you will have to wait on the edge of your seat until I take delivery of the thing to find out more...